Harry Potter, Phineas, and Ferb and the Sorcerer's Stone
by thisismyname3
Summary: Phineas and Ferb have always been different. But just how different? Join our favorite two boys and their friends, as they make their journey through the magical world. And even the dynamic duo has never had to face an evil sociopath bent on stealing the most powerful object on the planet. So it's time for the boys to seize the day, or watch the world crumble around them.
1. He's Not Santa

**I don't own Harry Potter or Phineas and Ferb.**

Candace dragged her mother out towards the backyard. "MOM! Phineas and Ferb built a Pez Dispenser Hall of Fame in the backyard!" She finally managed to get her mother out into the backyard.

Linda rolled her eyes, "Candace, I see an exceptional lack of pez dispensers." Candace turned to see the empty yard, and the boys sitting under the tree.

"But, but, but…How did it disappear? It's almost like magic!" Linda froze. After a few seconds, she turned and glared at Candace.

"Candace, you're grounded for two weeks!"

"Grounded!?" Candace yelled in shock, "for what?"

"For feeding me ridiculous stories about pez and magic!" her mother yelled in a shrill voice and stormed inside. Candace dragged her feet when she went inside, and slouched up the stairs towards her room. Phineas turned to Ferb.

"Um, that was…weird," he said. "And totally not foreshadowing anything at all." Neither he nor Ferb was exactly sure what the reason was for Linda's outburst. Just then, there was a loud knock on the door. And when I say loud, I mean it hurt the boys' ears even though they were in the backyard. The boys ran inside towards the door.

Ferb frowned, "Phineas were you expecting anyone?" The two boys opened the door. Behind it was an enormous man nearly ten feet tall. He was wearing a trench coat that seemed to be made of nothing but pockets, and had a huge, shaggy, black beard.

Phineas smiled, "Santa?"

The giant frowned, "Does my beard look white to you? Does my belly look like it's made of jelly? Don't answer that."

"Well," Phineas said, "I thought you might be like, you know, a Santa of the Summer or something."

"No I'm…We're getting off topic!"

"Well you brought it up."

"No I didn't; you did!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Anyways?" Ferb asked in exasperation, interrupting the argument.

"Oh, right anyways," the man said, "you should fetch your family."

Phineas frowned, "Fetch?"

"Yeah, fetch," the man said.

"Um," Phineas said, "I'm not a dog."

The man growled. "Fetch means get."

"OH!" Phineas said, "Right. That makes more sense. MOM, DAD, CANDACE! SOME GUY WHO'S TWENTY FEET TALL AND ISN'T SANTA OF THE SUMMER TOLD US TO FETCH YOU RIGHT AFTER EXPLAINING THAT FETCH MEANS GET!" Candace, Linda, and Lawrence came down the stairs. Linda saw the man, and her mouth fell open.

"Hagrid?" The man nodded.

"Yup, it's me. Now I'll explain." He pulled out a scroll of paper and cleared his throat. "Phineas Flynn and Ferb Fletcher, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"Come again?" Phineas said.

Linda sighed, "Ok Phineas, I'll explain it to you. You see, I was a…I was a witch. Not a broomstick, cackling, cook kids for breakfast kind of witch, but a female wizard. I went to a school called Hogwarts, and I learned all kinds of magic there. I first met Lawrence at a magic convention. He is a wizard, you see. Candace was what magic folk call a squib, which means a Muggle born to a wizard and witch. Before you ask, a Muggle is a person who doesn't have any magic in them. I thought you and Ferb might be squibs too, and I didn't want to endanger you by telling you about magic; that's why I'm always so touchy on the subject, but if you two are wizards…then you should go to Hogwarts when the school year comes instead of normal school, and come home on Summer vacation."

There was silence for a few seconds before Ferb spoke: "Well that was dramatic."


	2. Vaulted Doors and Dragon Hearts

**I still don't own Harry Potter or Phineas and Ferb.**

Two days later, the Flynn-Fletcher family flew into London. They stayed in a hotel for a few days, before Lawrence led the boys to a small pub on the corner of a street. "Here we are boys," he said with a smile. The strange thing about the pub was that no one except them seemed to notice it. As their father ushered them inside, Phineas got a brief look at the name of the pub, The Leaky Cauldron. When they got inside, Lawrence quickly steered them through the crowd, past a barman that had an ID card that said, _My Name is Tom_, and led the boys into a storage cupboard. He pulled out a wand, and tapped it four times against the back wall. The bricks sprung to life, and twisted aside to form an archway. Behind it was a huge alleyway, packed with people in robes and carrying owls. Shops lined the edge of the place, and at the end, a giant building was labeled, _Gringotts Bank._ "Welcome boys," Lawrence said with a smile, "to Diagon Alley."

"Woah," Phineas said, "This is awesome! But, um, did you say that this place was called diagonally?"

"No," Lawrence said, "Diagon Alley. There is no way, in any possibility, that the Alley could be derived from that, nor vice versa." Phineas looked at Ferb, who just shrugged.

"Alright," Lawrence said, "First we should pick up some money from the bank, and then we're off to get you boys your supplies." As the three of them crossed the alley, Phineas got a brief look at a broomstick in the window of the store. Etched into the hilt were the words, _Nimbus 2000._ Lawrence paused with them at the foot of the bank, so they could read an inscription above the bank name.

_Enter, stranger, but take heed_

_Of what awaits the sin of greed_

_For those who take, but do not earn_

_Must pay most dearly in their turn_

_So if you seek beneath our floors_

_A treasure that was never yours_

_Thief you have been warned, beware_

_Of finding more than treasure there._

"Hmmm," Phineas said, "Cheery!" The boys' father led them inside. Strange, long fingered creatures with big ears sat at the desks that they passed.

"Goblins," Lawrence whispered, "Clever as they come, but not the friendliest. They trade wizard money. Seventeen silver Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine bronze Knuts per Sickle. Remember that." When they got to the desk at the front, where a very old and wrinkled goblin sat, Lawrence cleared his throat. "Misters Phineas Flynn and Frank Earl Reynard Beckham Fletcher wish to make a withdrawal from their shared vault."

Phineas chuckled, "Dude, your name is Frank Earl Reynard Beckham Fletcher? Oh, I get it! F for Frank, E for Earl, R for Reynard, and B for Beckham!" Ferb just rolled his eyes, although with a hint of a smirk.

"I see," the goblin said after a moment, "And do Misters Phineas Flynn and whatever you just said Fletcher have their key?"

"Indeed," Lawrence said, handing him a small silver key.

"Griphook," the Goblin barked after examining the key for a moment. "Take them to their vault." A slightly younger looking goblin led them along a path, into a cave, until they reached a mine cart set on train tracks. The goblin called Griphook beckoned them inside, and they zoomed down the shaft until the cart stopped in front of a vaulted door.

"Vault 642," Griphook snapped. He took the key, and turned it in the lock. The doors clicked open, and inside were mounds of gold, silver, and bronze.

"Phineas," Ferb said, "You may want to close your mouth."

Forty-Five minutes later, the boys and their father had withdrawn the money they needed from their vault, and bought most of their supplies. "We still need," Phineas said, checking the list, "a wand."

"Of course," Lawrence said, "We should be able to get that from Ollivanders' Shop." They walked across the alley to a shop. The sign read: '_Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands Since 382 B.C.'_

Just before they entered the shop, Phineas let out a low whistle and said, "That's one old dude." The shop was tiny, empty except for a single, spindly chair in the corner. Thousands of narrow boxes containing wands were piled right up to the ceiling of the tiny shop, and the whole place had a thin layer of dust about it. Just then, a small man came out from a small closet in the corner. He was, as Phineas had commented on, extremely old, and looked as though the slightest breeze could blow him away. He had wispy silver hair, and wide, pale eyes shining like moons.

"Customers?" he wheezed, "Excellent. You, young man with the oddly colored hair, try this wand." He held out a box he had just plucked from the shelf. Ferb, taken aback, grasped it. Light came from the end of the wand, and warmth spread through the room. Ollivander chuckled. "It is not often that we get someone in here that wields the correct wand on the first try. Birch, pliable, 14 inches long, with a core of dragon heartstring. Yes, that wand will serve you well. And now to find a wand for you, boy with the weird head." He plucked another box from the shelf. As soon as Phineas grasped it though, the wand exploded. Ollivander giggled like a small girl, and handed Phineas another wand. And so it went. Wand after wand was tried, and every time, something or other blew up. Ferb was most definitely not happy when his underwear exploded. But every time a wand failed, Ollivander seemed to get more excited. He practically fainted from joy when one of the wands set fire to his-er-posterior. Then, when Ollivander touched yet another box, he paused and grabbed one several feet to the left of it. When Phineas touched this one, sparks flew from the end. Phineas gasped, excitement flowing through him

"Curious," Ollivander murmured, "Very curious."

"Say what?" Phineas asked.

Ollivander looked over at him. "It just so happens, that two wands were made from the only two phoenix feathers that came from a certain phoenix. One of those wands was sold to the most evil wizard of all time, and the other was recently sold to the boy who had brought about his downfall. That wand, in your hand, was prophesized to have a strong connection with the twin wands. It was said that that wand would make a difference, when the time finally came to see which wand would be superior." Phineas gulped. "That wand," Ollivander said, "is made of vine. It is 9 ½ inches long, and is reasonably springy. And the core is made of dragon heartstring. Use it wisely."


	3. Foreshadowing in the Form of a Rat

**I'll let you know if I suddenly own Harry Potter or Phineas and Ferb. It probably wont happen though.**

Phineas and Ferb wheeled their carts towards Platform 9 ¾. They had bought all of their materials at Diagon Alley, and couldn't be more excited to go to Hogwarts. They felt a bit strange going to school without Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet, but they couldn't really do anything. Their friends were Muggles, after all. They had decided to keep Perry as their pet at Hogwarts. They were aware that the rule said only owls, cats, and toads were allowed, but they also knew that the rule wasn't at all enforced, so it would be fine. Perry, on the other hand, was glad he was going to England, so he could get the vacation time he had been putting in for all summer. Suddenly, his wrist-communication-izer beeped, and he slid behind a nearby pillar, donning his fedora. Monogram's face appeared on the screen.

"Hello Agent P. We are afraid to inform you that Doctor Doofenshmirtz has somehow learned about you and your family traveling to Hogwarts, and is planning an evil scheme that involves the castle. Stop him while you're there, and then enjoy vacation. Monogram out. You see Carl; I told you that I could get through that briefing without making a joke or messing up."

"Sir, the device is still turned on."

"Dang it!"

Perry slipped off his fedora, and walked over to Phineas and Ferb. They were watching a boy with black hair and glasses asking a red-haired woman how to get onto the platform, which was a brick wall that you just walked right through. Next to the woman were four red-haired boys, and one red-haired girl, all of which Perry was certain were the woman's children. Two of the boys were exactly identical, clearly twins, and had devious smiles on their faces. The older boy wore horn-rimmed glasses, and his hair was curly. The younger boy had straighter hair, was tall for his age, and had a long nose. The girl had straight hair that fell down to her shoulders, was a bit pale, and had freckles on her nose. After a moment, all of them went through the barrier, and Perry followed suit, along with Phineas and Ferb. They felt coldness, before finding themselves on a train platform. A sign nearby read: Platform 9 3/4. The boys and their pet boarded the cherry-red train that was called the Hogwarts Express. Phineas and Ferb searched the compartments until they found a nearly empty one, with only two people inside it. These two people were the black-haired boy and younger brother from outside the platform.

"Hey," Phineas said, entering the compartment, "Is it okay if we come in here?"

"No problem," the black-haired boy said, and Phineas and Ferb sat down. It was then that they noticed a scar shaped like a lightning bolt. "My name is Harry Potter," the black-haired boy said, "and this is Ron Weasley. What are your names?"

Phineas smiled, "I'm Phineas Flynn, and this is my stepbrother and best friend, Ferb Fletcher. He doesn't talk much." Ferb gave a thumb up. After the boys sat down, Phineas noticed that next to Harry was a cage containing a large snowy owl. Etched into the base of the cage was the word, Hedwig, which Phineas assumed was the Owl's name. The four kids chatted for a bit.

"So Ron," Harry said, "What are your brothers' and sister's names?"

Ron sighed, "The one with the horn-rimmed glasses is Percy. He's a prefect, who is like a student staff member, and they can give out detentions. Fred and George, the twins, are pranksters, but they still get good marks, and everyone thinks they're really funny. Then there's Ginny, my sister. She won't be eleven until next year, but she really begged to go this year. Mum said no of course. Then I have two other brothers that weren't there. The oldest, Bill, is a curse-breaker at Gringotts. He works abroad, and brings back gold for the goblins. Then there's Charlie. He also works abroad, looks after dragons in Romania. He always said that the thing that Hagrid the gamekeeper would want most is a dragon."

"Hagrid wants a _dragon_?" Phineas asked, shocked.

"Yeah," Ron said, "But back to Percy. He used to own a rat called Scabbers. Then when he became a prefect, my mum bought him a new owl named Hermes, but she couldn't afford-I mean, I got Scabbers instead." He went very pink at this. Just then, a candy cart came by.

"Anything off the trolley, dears?" the woman pushing the cart asked. Ron muttered something about his mother making him sandwiches.

"We'll take the lot!" Harry exclaimed. He held out several Galleons. Ten minutes later, the four of them were devouring the candy; the sandwiches Ron had brought lay forgotten.

"Bertie Botts Every Flavored Beans," Harry read off a box of candy.

"They mean every flavor," Ron said through a mouthful of Pumpkin Pasties. "There's chocolate and peppermint, but then there's spinach, liver, and grass. Ginny swore she got a booger flavored one once." Harry quickly discarded the box of beans.

"What are these?" Harry asked, displaying a box that read, Chocolate Frogs. "They aren't real frogs, are they?"

"Nah," Ron said, "It's just a spell. Besides, it's the card you want. They all contain a collectible witch or wizard card."

At this, Phineas snatched one off the couch, and opened it. He threw the frog aside, and it landed on Ron's face. There were a few good laughs and screams at this. "Hey," Phineas said excitedly, "I've got Dumbledore!" Sure enough, the Hogwarts headmaster gazed up at his from the card. Phineas jumped when he scratched his nose. Phineas read the back of the card aloud. "Considered by many to be the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicholas Flamel. Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and tenpin bowling." Phineas chuckled, and pocketed the card.

"Hey," Ron said suddenly, "Wanna see a spell?" He got his rat out, and was about to perform the spell when a girl came in. The boys looked at her, and just from that, they could tell that she was smart, but the kind of person who was bossy, and she wouldn't be good to have as an enemy.

"Have any of you seen a toad?" she asked, "A boy named Neville's lost one." Ferb whipped out a device, pressed a few buttons, and walked down the train. A few minutes later, he returned clutching a frog. He handed it to the girl.

"Portable animal locator," Ferb said with a smirk.

She glared at him, but then noticed that Ron had his wand out, "Oh, are you doing magic? Let's see then." She sat down in the only empty seat left. Ron looked taken aback for a moment, but then cleared his throat.

_Sunshine, Daisies, Butter, Mellow; Turn this Stupid, Fat Rat Yellow!_

The rat grew an ear on its back, and squeaked in terror, sprinting away. Ron frowned, as Ferb used the animal locator to track down Scabbers, and quickly performed the counter curse. When Ferb handed the rat over to Ron, he said, "Well, I'm glad you helped me, so that I still have Scabbers. Mum would kill me if I lost him. He's been in my family for twelve years."

"Uh," Phineas said, "I'm pretty sure rats only live for two or three years. Are you sure that's a rat?"

"Quiet," Harry hissed, "We can't discuss that until the third book."

"Oh, yeah," Phineas said, "Sorry."

"Are you sure that's a real spell?" the girl asked, "If it is, it's not that good. I've tried a few simple ones myself, but they have all worked for me. For example," the girl paused, and pointed her wand at Phineas, "Finite Incantantum!" Phineas' face morphed into a regular shape instead of a triangle. He blinked.

"I'm normal! …I don't like it; change me back, change me back, change me back!" The girl quickly undid the spell. She then looked over and saw Harry.

"Holy cricket! You're Harry Potter! And, you three are?"

"Ron Weasley."

"Phineas Flynn, and that's Ferb Fletcher. How did you know Harry?"

"Well," she said, rolling her eyes, "First of all, my name is Hermione Granger. Second, only every person in the wizarding world knows Harry."

"Why?" Phineas asked.

"First - and understand this, because it's very important - not all wizards are good. Some of them go bad. A few years ago there was one wizard that went as bad as you can go, and his name was Voldemort, but most people are too scared to speak his name, so they call him You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. It was dark times. Voldemort started to gather some followers, brought them over to the dark side. Anyone who stood up to him, would end up dead. Harry's parents fought against him, but nobody lived once he decided to kill them. Nobody...not one...except Harry. Yes. That isn't an ordinary cut on his forehead. A mark like that only comes from being touched by a curse, and an evil curse at that."

Phineas gulped, "What happened to You-Know-Who?"

"Well, some say he died. Rubbish in my opinion. No, I reckon he's still out there, too tired to carry on. But one thing's for certain, something about Harry stumped him that night. That's why Harry's famous, that's why everybody knows his name. He's the boy who lived."

Phineas was about to respond, when he heard a thumping sound coming from his trunk. He frowned, and undid the clasps. The trunk burst open, and Candace jumped, or perhaps a better word would be fell, out of it. Phineas gaped at her.

"Candace!?" he asked, appalled, "What are you doing here? Mom told us you were a squib!" Candace glared at him, as she dusted herself off.

"Good to see you too. I came to make sure you two didn't get into any trouble. And in case you didn't know, there's such a thing as sibling preference."

"Yeah," Phineas said, "but you can't go to a school of magic if you can't do magic!"

"Actually," Candace said, "You can, it says it right in Scottish laws that if your sibling gets into a school, you do too, and I know for a fact that Hogwarts is located in Scotland."

"I thought Hogwarts was filmed in Scotland," Phineas said with a frown.

"Phineas!" Candace yelled, "What have I told you about breaking the fourth wall?"

Phineas spoke again, "When you mention the fourth wall, are you breaking the fourth wall, or the fifth wall?"

"If you don't know, I definitely don't know!" Candace yelled.

Phineas sighed, "Well, it's not as if we can force you to leave…Oh, wait, we can." He pointed his wand at Candace.

_Sunshine, Daisies, Butter, Mellow; Turn this Stupid, Fat Rat Yellow!_

An ear grew on Candace's back, and she screamed and jumped out the window, leaving Harry, Ron, Phineas, and Ferb cracking up in the compartment. Hermione glared at them, arms crossed. She left the compartment, muttering something that sounded a lot like 'Boys.' Just then, the train stopped, and Phineas looked out the window.

"Cool, we're here."


	4. The Hat That Was a Pop Star

**Insert Disclaimer Here**

Phineas, Ferb, Harry, Ron, and about a hundred others trudged into the Great Hall, their arms sore from rowing across the lake. After they had gotten off the train, they had found out that Hagrid led first-years in a canoe ride across the lake to the castle, and second through seventh years rode on carriages that pulled themselves. They looked around the Entrance Hall in wonder. A tall, thin woman came from two huge double doors off to the left. She was in perhaps her fifties, and was wearing a long, emerald green robe. She had an extremely serious look on her face, and everyone could tell that she was extremely strict, and not a good person to cross.

"Welcome to Hogwarts. I am Minerva McGonagall. Now, in a few moments, you will pass through these doors and join your classmates. But before you can take your seats you must be sorted into your houses. They are Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Now, while you are here, your house will be like your family. Your triumphs will earn you house points. Any rule breaking and you will lose points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the house cup. The sorting ceremony will begin momentarily," she concluded, and retreated back into the hall. Just then, thousands of ghosts swarmed through the hall and into the dining area. A pale boy with blond hair came forwards as though nothing had happened.

"So it's true then, what they're saying on the train! Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts. This is Crabbe and Goyle. And I'm Malfoy; Draco Malfoy." Ron, Phineas, and Ferb all snickered. He turned and glared at them. "Think my name is funny do you? Red hair…and a triangle shaped head? You must be Phineas Flynn, meaning that that's Ferb Fletcher. I've heard that you waste your time building stupid things every day. I've also heard that your mother produced a squib, and that was your older sister."

Phineas frowned, "Actually, I wasn't laughing because your name is, in my viewpoint, funny, I was snickering because it actually is derived from the Latin root mal, meaning evil. Therefore, it contains foreshadowing that you will be Harry's rival and/or enemy within the castle, and possibly will be used for bad purposes later by the villain known as Voldemort. Based on the fact that you mocked my sister for her impairment, you will also show discrimination towards Muggles, Squibs, and Muggle-borns. This indicates that you are a bully, manipulative, and foolish enough to believe that these three types of people cannot be powerful. Therefore, I believe it appropriate to laugh at such an attempt at subtlety towards your inner nature. Although perhaps that actually wasn't the writer of the original books' intentions, perhaps their purpose behind the creation of that name was to warn readers that you are bad." There was silence among the students.

"I laughed because I thought his name was funny," Ron said in a small voice. Malfoy glared at Phineas, and then turned back to Harry.

"You'll soon learn that some wizarding families are better than others Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there." He extended a hand. Harry looked at it, then up at Malfoy.

"I think I can tell the wrong sort myself, thanks." Malfoy's hand went towards his wand, but luckily, McGonagall came back through the doors at that very moment.

"We're ready for you now." She stood aside, allowing the first years to pass. They entered an enormous hall. The most noticeable aspect of the hall was the ceiling, which Phineas and Ferb had read was bewitched to look like the night sky. In fact, he heard Hermione Granger telling another student about it nearby. Four very long tables spanned the length of the room, and banners hung all along the walls. At the head of the room, a large table that held what seemed to be the entire staff. The man at the center of the table had long wispy grey hair, and a beard. They supposed he was probably the one they called Dumbledore. In front of the table was a stool, with and old, fray, raggedy hat. Nearly everyone in the room was looking at the hat, so the boys looked at it curiously. Just then, the brim of the hat opened, and the hat burst into song.

_Hello first years who I'm pleased to meet._

_I'm the Sorting Hat; I'm the one to beat._

_I'm gonna sort you now, that's the way it goes._

_But how can I talk? No one seems to know._

_It's a real long story, but I'll tell you now, _

_But it'll take a while, so you should sit down. _

_You see Hogwarts was founded thousands of years ago_

_By four talented warlocks who were quite well known._

_There was Gryffindor who was brave and bold,_

_There was Ravenclaw, who was smart but cold._

_There was Hufflepuff, who was just and fair,_

_And there was Slytherin, the shrewdest everywhere._

_They founded the place, that's why they were so great._

_The school seemed headed towards a happy fate._

_They picked their favorites from the bunch._

_And those kids were separate except for at lunch._

(There is a pause in the music) "Hey," the Sorting Hat said, "You try rhyming something with the word 'bunch'."

_How would the founders sort after they were gone?_

_So Gryffindor thought of something and he wasn't wrong._

_He whipped me off his head, and puts some smarts in me_

_So that I could choose the student's category._

_I'm the Sorting Hat; I'm the one to beat,_

_So clap your hands, and stomp your feet._

_I'm the Sorting Hat; I'm the best of all,_

_I'm always right, I'm on the ball._

_ I'm the Sorting Hat; I'm the one to beat,_

_So clap your hands, and stomp your feet._

_I'm the Sorting Hat; I'm the best of all,_

_I'm always right, I'm on the ball._

_ I'm the Sorting Hat; I'm the one to beat,_

_So clap your hands, and stomp your feet._

_I'm the Sorting Hat; I'm the best of all,_

_I'm always right, I'm on the ball._

_ (On the Ball!)_

McGonagall stepped forward with a scroll, "When I call your name, you will come forth, place the Sorting Hat on your head, and you will be sorted into your houses. Hermione Granger!" Hermione stepped forward, and placed the hat on her head.

"Gryffindor!" the Hat screamed after a moment, and the table where all the Weasley children sat, cheered. Draco Malfoy came forward next. The hat barely touched his head when it screamed. "Slytherin!" Susan Bones was sorted into Hufflepuff. Ron and Harry were both sorted into Gryffindor, Harry's sorting taking far longer. Ferb was called next. But he didn't even have time to walk up to the stool, as soon as the Hat heard his name it screamed out a word. "Ravenclaw!" Then it was Phineas' turn. The hat descended over his eyes. A little voice spoke in his head.

_Interesting…I sense the same intelligence your brother had…but the shrewdness is more evident in you. So where to put you?_ Ravenclaw! Ravenclaw! Phineas thought desperately. _Ravenclaw, eh? Well your choice always counts…but wait a moment…I sense…Yes, Yes I have no choice, not after what I've just seen._ I suppose…

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"Gryffindor!" The hat screamed the last word out loud to the whole hall. Phineas' eyes widened. He and Ferb always did everything together, and it would be certainly odd not to do their studies together. He went over to the Gryffindor table, which had erupted in cheers. Dumbledore held up a hand, and the hall went silent.

"Firstly, I have a few start-of-term notices I wish to announce. First, I would like to introduce our new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Quirinus Quirrel."

There was some feeble applause as a small man stood up. Phineas thought that the man looked to be not much taller than Candace, and appeared to be terrified and twitchy. On his head, he wore a purple turban. Quirrel sat down quickly.

"Secondly, the caretaker Mr. Filch has asked me to remind you…" he paused, and pointed to a man in the corner. The man looked filthy, was wearing a brown trench coat, and had only a few strands of hair hanging from his head. At his feet stood a gray and brown cat that belonged to Filch. Dumbledore continued his statement, "…that the Forbidden Forest is off-limits to all students. Also, the third floor corridor on the right hand side is out of bounds to all those who do not wish to die a most painful death. Now, a few more words: nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak. Let the feast begin."

"Wait a minute," Phineas asked Harry, who was sitting to his left, "Was he serious about the death thing?"

"I guess so," Harry said with a frown, "He didn't sound as though he was joking. Turkey breast?" Phineas' mouth fell open. The empty plates in front of him were suddenly stacked high with not only turkey breast, but tacos, meatloaf, Caesar salad, spaghetti, and for some reason, maple bacon doughnuts. Phineas quickly loaded everything except the doughnuts onto his plate, and dug in. Just then, one of the ghosts from the entrance hall rose up through the table.

"Hello," the ghost said cheerfully.

"Hey I know you," Ron exclaimed suddenly, "You're Nearly Headless Nick!"

"I prefer Sir Nicholas if you don't mind," Nick said, only to be interrupted by Hermione.

"Nearly headless?" she asked, "How could you be nearly headless?"

"Like this," Nick said irritably, pulling his transparent head almost entirely off of his shoulders, so that it was held on only by the slightest of ghostly tendons. He dropped the head back on, and left the hall. An hour later, after everyone was finished eating, Percy the Prefect led the students up the staircases. The stairwells in question liked to change; they had trick steps you had to remember to jump. Finally, Percy led them to a seventh floor corridor. At the end, there was a ten foot by 4 foot portrait of an extremely fat woman.

"Password?" the Fat Lady asked.

"Caput draconis," Percy said simply, and the portrait swung open, revealing a large room. Inside of the room were many red chintz armchairs, several tables, red and gold banners, and a blazing fireplace. "Welcome to the Gryffindor Common Room. Boys, your beds are upstairs and down to your left, girls, the same on your right. You'll find all of you belongings have already been brought up. Phineas went upstairs, along with Harry and Ron. The other first year boys included Neville Longbottom, the boy with the toad, who had black hair, a plump face and was rather clumsy; Dean Thomas, a black Muggle-born who had a large poster of the West Ham soccer team; and Seamus Finnigan, a Irish boy with sandy hair and a devilish sort of smile. Phineas lay down, though he couldn't fall asleep for several hours, due to all of the new thoughts buzzing around his head.


	5. The Good, the Bad, and the Slobbery

**Roses are red**

**Violets are blue**

**I don't own Harry Potter**

**And Phineas and Ferb too.**

The new week went by in a flash. Life at Hogwarts was fun for Phineas and Ferb, and they had cool classes. The only problems were Filch the Caretaker, and Peeves the Poltergeist. Filch was in charge of discipline, and would sneak around trying to catch children doing bad things. He had caught Harry and Ron trying to force their way into the out-of-bounds corridor on the first day. Then there was Peeves, who would dangle you by your underwear from the tallest tower, knock you out and imprison you within a dirt snowman, or sneak up behind you, invisible, grab your nose, and shriek, 'Got your conk!' The classes on the other hand were fun, and most of them the two boys spent together, since the Ravenclaws got along very well with the Gryffindors. Defense against the Dark Arts was a bit of a joke, as Professor Quirrel usually just talked about the weather. History of Magic was highly boring, as Professor Binns, the ghost teacher, could make even bloody goblin raids sound dull. However, most of their other classes were fun. Charms taught them all sorts of cool spells that were useful in everyday life. In Transfiguration, they could turn objects into other objects. In Herbology, they could grow all sorts of magic plants. In Astronomy, they observed the planets and stars and learned about them. The only class that was truly awful was Potions. On the day of their first lesson, Phineas, Harry, and Ron were lined up outside the classroom in the dungeons (Ferb was in Charms with the other Ravenclaws, and the Gryffindors had Potions with the Slytherins).

Finally, an emotionless, cold voice spoke from inside, and said, "Enter." They all walked inside. At the head of the classroom, the man who appeared to be the teacher stood. He wore a black cloak, with some purple detailing. He had greasy black hair that was slicked backwards, and a hooked nose. He had a perfectly triangular black goatee.

"There will be no foolish wand-waving, magic-centered mayhem, or silly incantations in this class," the man said in the same emotionless voice that had told them to enter. "I am Professor Severus Snape, and you will address me…as Professor, or sir at all times. Many of you will not say longer than O.W.L. level in here. I do not expect most of you to appreciate the subtle science and perfect skill required to do well in Potions. For those of you who do possess the gifts necessary, I can teach you to brew glory, mix fame, and even put a stopper on death. However, there are those of you who feel confident enough…TO NOT PAY ATTENTION!" Phineas realized that Snape was glaring at Harry. When Phineas looked around, Harry was indeed writing something, though it appeared to be notes. Snape spoke again, "Ah, Harry Potter, our…new…celebrity. Tell me Potter, what you would get if you mixed powdered root of asphodel with an infusion of wormwood." Harry just looked stumped. "Very well," Snape sneered; Phineas was beginning to like this man less and less, "let's try again. Where would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar? What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?" Harry just looked completely bewildered. "Pity. Cleary fame isn't everything. What about you, Flynn? Just as clueless as Potter?"

"No sir," Phineas said with a grin, "Asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known a Draught of the Living Death. A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat that will save you from most poisons, and monkshood and wolfsbane are actually just the same plant." There was a ringing silence in the room as Snape looked at Phineas, and Phineas looked at Snape, whose face had become very angry.

"A point from Gryffindor for being a know-it-all," Snape sneered, "Now get out your books, we are behind schedule."

In between classes, Phineas and Ferb would divide their time between doing homework, and hanging out with Harry and Ron. Sometimes, Hermione would join them, but she would never really be nice to them. One day at lunch, a snowy owl landed in front of Harry. Looking confused, Harry pulled a note from the owl's leg, and spread it out on the table in front of him.

Harry,

I was wondering if you wanted to come down to my hut for some tea at around three. Your friends are welcome to come too.

Yours Sincerely,

_Rubeus Hagrid_

"Wanna go?" Harry asked Ron and Phineas.

"Sure," they said simultaneously. Harry quickly sent the note back to Hagrid with the words _we'll be there_ written on the back. At three, Phineas, Ferb, Harry, and Ron were walking down to Hagrid's hut. Harry walked forward and knocked on the door. Barking was heard from the inside, as well as Hagrid's voice saying, _Get down ya ruddy mutt, _before he opened the door.

"Oh, hello yeh four, come on in," he said happily. They walked inside. There was a big table in the middle of the room, which had four cups of tea and one bucket of tea on it. There was an enormous bed in the corner, and a fireplace too. The hut was a bit small, but other than that it looked rather cozy. On the bed was an enormous boarhound, with the name 'Fang' written on the collar.

"Hey Hagrid," Harry said, "Did you hear about the Gringotts break-in? Whoever it was tried to rob the vault we went to!"

"What do you mean?" Phineas asked.

"Oh, didn't I tell you?" Harry asked. "When Hagrid took me to Gringotts, we visited vault 713. He took this grubby package out, it was about two inches long, by the way, and he said it was Hogwarts business very secret. Later that day, someone broke into vault 713, but it was empty, and then they escaped."

"Oh, cool," Phineas said. "Maybe the package was a cool invention!"

"Er," Hagrid said uncomfortably, "Le's talk about somethin' else…How're yer classes comin' along?"

"Oh they're pretty good," Harry said, frowning as though he didn't like the change of subject, "Except for Snape's class. He hates Phineas and me."

Hagrid chuckled, "He hates evryone 'cept the Slytherins, shows favoritism, see."

"Yeah," Phineas said, "We noticed that, but he seemed to hate us even more."

"Rubbish," Hagrid said, "Why would he?" But Hagrid was looking at his hands and wouldn't meet anyone's eye.

It was Phineas who broke the silence, "Dude, gross!" They all looked at him, and broke down laughing when they saw he was covered in Fang's drool.

The other days in Hogwarts passed pretty quickly. Then, one day at lunch, Harry, Ron, and Phineas told Ferb quite a story.

"Malfoy was being a jerk as always at our flying lesson, and he chucked Neville's Remember-all at the school, so I flew up and caught it, but McGonagall saw me. But, you know, instead of punishing me, she put me on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team!" Harry said.

"Harry, don't forget to breathe. I'm still confused; what's Quidditch?" Phineas asked.

"It's like soccer, but it is played on broomsticks, with Bludgers that try to kill you, and a seeker that tries to grab the Golden Snitch to win the game." Phineas' confused face turned into a sly grin, and he turned to Ferb, who was wearing a similar expression on his face.

"Quidditch Y-8 bro?"

"Oh, like Football X-7," Harry said, "Wait, that was you?"

"I thought we were saving Y-8 for crochet," Ferb said, ignoring Harry.

"Nah, this'll be much cooler. I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?"

"Who's Perry?" Ron asked.

Meanwhile, in the Owlery…

Perry snuck in, made sure that no one was around, and slipped on his fedora. One of the owls moved to the side, and Monogram's face appeared on a tiny screen on one of the eggs.

"Hello Agent P," he said, "Have you seen Doofenshmirtz?" Perry shook his head. "Oh well, but we have received intelligence that he is somewhere in the area, and is possibly recreating his Ball-Gown-inator and his Mustache-inator." Perry grimaced. Those were by far Doof's most pathetic inventions. But they were portable, and that could allow him to use them anywhere. He saluted, and ran out of the Owlery, ready to find Doofenshmirtz. Perry soon found Doof in a cave near the castle.

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Cave Hideout!_

"Ah, Perry the platypus," Heinz said, "we meet again." A trap fell down and held Perry. "Perry the platypus, you see back in Gimmelshtump, in the depths of my childhood, it was my first birthday party. It was the only one where my parents bothered to by me a gift, but it was like this thick book, and back then, I could barely say anything, let alone read. My father once told me the only thing I could say at that time was boom-boom, but I'm honestly not sure whether to believe him. Anyways, a couple of weeks ago, I found the book in a box in my pantry labeled VHS tapes, go figure. Anyways, it turned out to be all about wizards and this school. I knew the school exists, because I read about it. You see, Hogwarts would be a great place for my evil deeds, but alas, I am not a wizard, so behold the Turn-Into-a-Wizard-inator!" It was a small portable device. Perry had no idea why Monogram had mistaken this for the Ball-Gown-inator, but Perry was a kick butt first, ask questions later kind of platypus, so he broke out of the trap, and chased after Heinz. Dr. Doofenshmirtz panicked, and ran towards the castle.

Phineas and Ferb waited outside of Dumbledore's office, waiting until he was ready for them. Eventually, he came out, and smiled kindly, "So what did you want to talk to me about boys?" Phineas handed him the blueprint Ferb had drawn up for their plans. Dumbledore adjusted his spectacles and read the prints. He smiled. "Boys, I believe you most certainly are geniuses, just like they say."

Phineas and Ferb walked back into the great hall in high spirits. Just then, they saw Malfoy talking to Harry and Ron, and eventually, when they got within earshot they heard Ron speaking.

"I'm his second and, uh…" he looked around, and then spotted Phineas and Ferb, "Phineas, will you be Harry's third?"

"Of course! What did I just agree to?"

"You agreed to be the backup of his backup in the wizards duel he's gonna have with Malfoy tonight," Ron said as Malfoy and his thugs, Crabbe and Goyle walked away.

"WHAT? But…" Just then, there was a pounding on the door. Dumbledore got up and walked over to the door. There was conversation heard outside it, and Dumbledore turned.

"Um, Phineas, Ferb," he said, you don't happen to know a certain Candace Flynn, do you?" Phineas frowned.

"Yeah, that's my sister."

"Oh," Dumbledore said, "Well then, I guess I'd better let her and her friends in." He opened the door, and Candace walked in, followed by Isabella, Buford, Jeremy, and Baljeet.

"Hey guys," Phineas said with a smile, "What'cha doin' here?"

Candace scowled, "We wanted to come find you."

"You DRAGGED us here!" Buford corrected her.

"You wanted to come!" Candace snapped, scowling.

"Irrelevant," Baljeet said. "Our own interests aligning with yours does not alter the fact that you literally dragged us out to your backyard so we could help you build a teleportation device."

"But guys," Phineas interrupted the argument in exasperation, "you aren't wizards; you can't be here, unless, you know, you have some device that turns you into wizards or something." Just then the double doors burst open and Heinz ran in. He tripped, and fell to the floor, dropping the Turn-Into-a-Wizard-inator.

"No! My Turn-Into-a-Wizard-inator!" he wailed, as the inator fired once, and then smashed on the floor. The inator blast zapped Candace, Isabella, Buford, Jeremy, and Baljeet. Heinz let out a wail. "Curse you Perry the platypus!" He ran out of the hall. Everyone stared after him, open mouthed.

Phineas turned to Ferb, "Did he say Turn-Into-a-Wizard-inator?"

Ferb blinked, "It was almost creepy how serendipitous that was. Although I might be more curious as to why he yelled 'curse you Perry the platypus', but whatever."

Dumbledore sighed, "Accio Sorting hat." The hat flew into his hand. "Try it on; it will sort you into your new houses." Candace put it on.

"Gryffindor!" the hat screamed. Baljeet went next, "Ravenclaw!" Then Buford, "Slytherin!" Then Jeremy, "Hufflepuff!" Lastly, Isabella went, "Gryffindor!"


	6. Three Heads are More Dangerous Than One

**I don't own anything.**

Phineas got his shoes on, muttering to himself. He didn't like the idea of this wizard's duel, but he had agreed to it, so he was going to go.

"Remind me again what you agreed to do," Isabella said to him for the fifth time. Phineas, Harry, Ron, Candace, and Isabella sat in the Gryffindor common room. Candace and Isabella had insisted upon accompanying Harry, Ron, and Phineas to the duel, and, since she wouldn't leave them alone, Hermione had too.

"I agreed to help Harry duel Draco Malfoy, despite the fact that I would be breaking about fifty school rules, and under great risk of my personal safety," Phineas said with a sigh.

"Wow," Isabella said dreamily, "you're so brave."

"Thanks," Phineas said absentmindedly.

Harry, who was looking back and forth between them with amusement, snickered, "Dude, are you kidding?" he asked.

"What?" Phineas asked, confused.

"Nothing," Harry said, as Ron chuckled to himself, just as amused as Harry.

"Sadly," Candace muttered to Harry and Ron, "You're actually quite slow on the uptake."

"Alright," Phineas said finally, "I'm ready."

They quickly set out towards the trophy room, which was where the wizards' duel was supposed to take place. They arrived, and were joined, moments later, by Ferb. Then they heard a creak nearby.

"Someone here my sweet?" a raspy voice asked.

The seven children looked at each other in horror, "Filch!" they all whispered at the same time. Simultaneously, they all understood what had happened. Malfoy had never intended to go to the duel, but he had told Filch that they would be there. They ran up the corridor, until they came to a door.

"It's locked!" Phineas hissed, "_Alohamora!"_ The door opened, and the seven of them ran through. Harry looked through the keyhole to try and see Filch, when he heard Phineas speak with a slight whimper. "Harry, between death and Filch, what would you choose?"

"Filch, I suppose," Harry said, "Why?"

"That," Phineas said, pointing to something behind them. They all turned around, and saw a giant three-headed dog standing in the middle of the corridor. They stood frozen for a few seconds, before they all screamed and fled the corridor, the dog hot on their heels. When they got out into the hall, Phineas slammed the door behind them and relocked it. The seven of them stood there panting for a moment, before they ran off, Ferb headed for Ravenclaw, and the others at a sprint towards Gryffindor. They didn't stop running until they got to their common room.

"What WAS that thing?" Ron asked. "And what do they think they're doing, keeping it locked up in a school?"

"Do you even use your eyes?" Hermione snapped at him.

"Yeah Ronald," Phineas said, doing an impression of a pompous female British voice. "Do you use your eyes?" Hermione and Candace glared at him, Ron went pink, and Isabella and Harry snickered. "I'm sorry," Phineas said, "But I'm having way too much fun with this. But seriously though, do you? It was standing on a trapdoor, which means it's guarding something."

"Guarding something?" Harry and Isabella asked at the same time.

"Yes," Hermione said, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to bed, before any of you come up with another brilliant idea to get us killed, or worse, expelled!" She stormed off. They all gaped after her.

"Is she always like this?" Candace asked.

"Nah," Ron said, "Normally she has her priorities even more messed up." They all chuckled a bit before going to bed themselves.


	7. Folk Dancing is Key

**If I told you all the things I didn't own, we'd be here all day.**

"What could that dog be guarding?" Ron asked for the umpteenth time the next morning at breakfast.

"For the hundredth time," Harry said, "We don't know!"

"Whatever it is," Phineas said thoughtfully, "It's either very valuable, or extremely dangerous."

"Either way Phineas," Candace growled, "I forbid you to do anything regarding that dog or what it's guarding."

"What if the dog is guarding a cell phone with unlimited talk and text?" Phineas asked innocently.

"Wow," Candace said, obviously dreaming about such luxuries, before her eyes widened. "Wait a minute, are you manipulating me?"

"Maybe just a little," Phineas said. Isabella giggled. Suddenly, Hedwig the owl swooped down from above, carrying a long, narrow package.

"It's a bit early for mail, isn't it?" Phineas asked, for the owls brought mail every morning at breakfast, though usually much later. Hedwig dropped the parcel in front of Harry. Just before Harry opened it, Ron spoke.

"Wait dude, there's a card." Harry grabbed it and read it aloud.

"Do not open this parcel at the table. It contains your new Nimbus 2000. We don't want everyone to know you have received a broomstick, or they'll all want one. Please bring it down to Quidditch practice tonight at five o'clock."

Later, when the six of them were walking up the steps to Gryffindor Tower, Malfoy intercepted them.

"That's a broomstick," he said with a sneer.

"No," Candace said sarcastically, "I thought it was a puppy." The others snickered.

Malfoy glared at her. "I wouldn't expect anything more advanced out of someone so pathetic, they were willing to fake magic just to get into Hogwarts, filthy little imposter. As for you, Potter. You'll really be in for it this time; a first year student isn't allowed to have his own broomstick."

"What's going on boys?" tiny Professor Flitwick asked in his squeaky voice. "Not fighting, I hope?"

"Potter's been sent a broomstick Professor," Malfoy said quickly.

"Yes, yes," Professor Flitwick said. "Minerva told me all about the special circumstances. Good luck Potter!"

"Thank you sir," Harry said, "And it's really thanks to Malfoy here that I've got it."

They left Malfoy standing there looking utterly flabbergasted, and proceeded up to the common room.

"Well it's true," Harry said with a shrug, "If he hadn't stolen Neville's remembrall I wouldn't be on the team."

"I suppose you think that's reward for breaking the rules?" Hermione Granger asked, having eavesdropped on them. Just as Ron opened his mouth to say something that was probably rude, Phineas spoke.

"Yes, yes he does."

Hermione stomped off.

"Why did you stop me from talking to her?" Ron asked Phineas irritably.

"Because," Phineas said, "No matter how much you hate someone, it's best to be nice to them."

"Fine," Ron grumbled.

"Come on guys," Harry said, "Let's not talk about this now; it's almost five."

"Wait a minute," Isabella said, "I thought it was just breakfast a few minutes ago. How did the whole day happen in five minutes?"

Later that day, Harry was headed down to the Quidditch Pitch with his new Nimbus 2000 in tow. Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, was already there.

"Know how to play Quidditch, Potter?" Wood asked.

"No."

"Well," Wood said, "I can explain certain parts right now. But some guys are coming down later, and they're gonna explain the parts they've changed."

"Alright."

"Okay," Wood said, "There are two teams, with six players on each team. There are four balls you play with. There are three Chasers, who play with the Quaffle, a scarlet ball."

Harry waited for Wood to continue, but when he didn't, Harry blinked, "That's it?"

"That's all I'm allowed to tell you for now," Wood said.

"Hey Oliver," a familiar voice said, "Sorry we're late." Harry turned to see Phineas and Ferb strolling down the lawn towards them, the latter carrying his toolbox.

"Wait just a minute," Phineas said, "We'll have the upgrades done in no time."

Soo-dee-UP-booty-UP-dittly-dittly-DA

Soo-dee-UP-booty-UP-dittly-dittly-DA

Soo-dee-UP-booty-UP-dittly-dittly-DA

Ditty-Ditty-DA-Bah-dah-BA-BA-BA

"Alright," Phineas said, dusting himself off, "All done. Here's the deal. Using levitation, we've made it so that the goalposts have three separate layers. They each float in midair, with no tangible support, and revolve. The outer layer, with bronze coloring, and five rings, revolving slowly, is worth ten points if you get the Quaffle through one. The second row, with silver coloring, three rings, and revolving quickly, is worth twenty points if you get the Quaffle through it. The layer in the center, colored purest gold, with only one ring to rule them all, revolving at the speed of light, is worth 200 points, and ends the match if you put the Quaffle through it. The Keeper, that's Oliver, guards the goal posts. Next up, there are two Bludgers, which are black balls that fly around and try to unseat the players."

"What?" Harry yelped.

"Don't worry," Phineas said reassuringly, "It's perfectly safe. The fifth player, replacing the outdated Beater position, is the Shooter, which wields a laser gun."

"Wait a minute," Wood interrupted. "The Weasley twins play Beater for our team. They won't be too happy to be replaced."

"We already talked to them." Phineas said with a smile. "They said that a laser gun sounded even cooler than baseball bats…and made several modifications to the lasers."

"They've doomed us all…" Wood muttered, and, having been the subject of many of the Weasley twins' pranks, Harry had to agree.

"As I was saying," Phineas continued. "The laser has the Impediment Curse in it, which will freeze the Bludgers in place for a few seconds, and disable the opposing Shooter's blaster, but has no affect on the actual players. Also, if you hit the last ball with the laser, you win 200 points, and the game ends. The laser can also be upgraded to use the Blasting Curse in the case of an attack on the school. However, if you use that mode in a match, the opposing team is automatically awarded fifty points, so that isn't recommended. The laser also has a container where you can store small items. I don't know why I added that, perhaps it will be useful later, like something that might be important for a certain will of a certain headmaster that will be murdered by a certain potions master. Anyways, lastly, there's the Seeker, that's you, who hunts the Golden Snitch, a small, golden, flying, walnut-sized ball, which gives the team 150 points, and the match ends. Ferb wouldn't let me add Bulgarian Folk Dancing, unfortunately. Any questions? ...Put your hand down Ferb."


	8. How to Train Your Trollbot

**I'm pretty sure that I don't own Phineas and Ferb.**

The next few weeks at the castle passed by uneventfully. Before the boys knew it, it was nearly Halloween. But before I can tell you that story, I have to tell you _this_ story. **(Captain Underpants reference. I don't own Captain Underpants.)** It was a dark and stormy night. Actually, no, it was daytime, with good weather, in the Charms classroom. The Gryffindors were paired up to work on _Wingardium Leviosa_, a spell used for levitation. Harry was working with Seamus Finnegan, Ron and Hermione were paired up, Candace and Neville were working together and Phineas was working with Isabella.

"And remember," Professor Flitwick said, "It's a swish and flick."

Ron jabbed his wand at his feather, "Wingardrium Leviosar!" When it didn't work, he continually jabbed his wand at the feather, until the wand shot out of his hand, ricocheted around the room, and struck poor Professor Flitwick right between the eyes. Ron retrieved his wand quickly and returned to the work station. Ten minutes of trying later, half the room was on fire, Professor Flitwick was being carried away on a stretcher, and the students were all running for their lives from a psycho rabbit that Ron had somehow conjured. Meanwhile, Ron was grinning broadly.

"I think I did okay!" Ron said ecstatically. Hermione, who was still sitting next to him, groaned, and rolled her eyes.

"No," she said, "you didn't. In case you forgot, this is the _levitation spell_." Later, as Harry, Ron, Phineas, Candace, and Isabella were walking down to the Halloween feast, Ron was complaining about Hermione.

"In case you forgot," Ron mimicked angrily, "It's the _levitation spell._ She's a nightmare, honestly! No wonder she hasn't got any friends!"

"Uh-oh," Phineas said.

"What?" Ron asked.

"Well, this IS a television show," Phineas said, "I'm guessing she-" Just then, Hermione walked past them with her head bowed bumping into Ron as she passed. Phineas swallowed. "-Heard you."

Later, at the Halloween feast, the tables were full of students eating and talking. Meanwhile, Harry, also eating, was scanning up and down the table.

"Where's Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Parvati Patil said she wouldn't come out of the girls' lavatory," Neville said, "She's been in there since Charms. Crying." Ron looked a bit guilty at that. Phineas leaned across the table.

"Guys," he said, "Ferb and I have scheduled a prank for after the feast. We've built a robotic troll that we're gonna turn on, and then it's going to come in to the Great Hall. We call it the trollbot." Everyone said something different at the same time.

Harry: Cool.

Ron: Woah.

Isabella: Awesome!

Neville: A troll?!

"TROOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSS!" Professor Quirrel screamed, barging into the Hall and sprinting towards the staff table. "TROLLS IN THE DUNGEONS! Thought you ought to know." Then he keeled over, unconscious. It was pandemonium. Students were running around the room. Snape looked on, aghast, before turning around and heading through a side door.

"THEY'RE GOING TO EAT US!"

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

"MY WATERMELON!"

"SILENCE!" Dumbledore roared, and all movement stopped except for Phineas and Ferb, who rushed over to Quirrel. Phineas held a stethoscope up to the professor's chest. Phineas blinked, before standing up, and kicking Quirrel in the side.

"OUCH!" Quirrel yelped as he got to his feet.

"Why were you faking being unconscious?" Phineas asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Th-thought I'd g-go for a dr-dramatic effect," Quirrel said feebly. Phineas looked at him in suspicion for a moment, before he smiled brightly again.

"Well okay then," he said.

"Alright," Dumbledore said, "Students will follow their Head of House back to their dormitories. Teachers will follow me to the dungeons." Phineas and, for some reason, Ferb followed the Gryffindors up to the common room, before grabbing Harry, Ron, Isabella, and Candace and pulling them over into and adjacent hallway.

"Did you turn on the trollbot?" Harry asked immediately.

"No," Phineas whispered, "Someone else must have turned it on. Not to mention, Quirrel said trolls, as in, plural. That means there's a real troll out there too!"

Harry gasped suddenly, "Hermione! She doesn't know!"

Candace sighed, "And here's the part when a seemingly unimportant detail contributes to the overall arc of the story." The group ran off. Little did they know, someone was watching them. Someone whose red eyes gleamed through the darkness.

"Hurry up," a voice hissed, "Stop creeping out the audience, go steal the object while the nosy kids are distracted!"

"Right," a second voice said as the eyes vanished, "sorry master."

Phineas, Ferb, Harry, Ron, Candace, and Isabella ran down the corridor towards the girls' bathroom. Just then, there were loud footsteps. Two trolls, one real, and one mechanical, stomped past them.

"I think the trolls have left the dungeon," Harry whimpered.

"They're going into that room," Isabella said, as the trolls lumbered into a doorway.

"No, wait," Phineas said as Isabella ran forward to shut the door. "That's the-" Isabella shut the door and locked it.

"Yes!" she said, "I have now earned my Trapping a Trollbot and Living Troll accomplishment patch!" Just then, a high-pitched scream came from the room she had just locked.

"Girls' bathroom," Phineas finished weakly. "Alright. Luckily, Ferb and I have a plan. Ron, you lead the real troll away for a little while."

"Got it," Ron said confidently.

"Harry, Candace, you guys deactivate the trollbot, while Isabella helps Hermione escape. Here are the schematics for the trollbot." He tossed Candace a huge blueprint, which knocked her over due to being heavy. "Ferb and I are going to prepare a way to defeat the real troll. Lead it up to the astronomy tower in…I'd say eleven minutes." Phineas and Ferb ran off towards the astronomy tower.

"Alright," Ron said confidently, opening the door. The trollbot was trying to grab Hermione, who had taken refuge under the sinks. The real troll turned and looked at Ron. "Back home," Ron said, "We have a special way to get these trolls to chase you." He cleared his throat impressively. Then, he turned around, threw his hands above his head, and sprinted away screaming like a little girl. The real troll roared, and lumbered off after him. Isabella began to creep towards Hermione.

"Candace," Harry said, "Where is the trollbot's off switch?"

"I'm looking," Candace muttered, "Aha!" Then she groaned. "HUNDREDS! Hundreds of places to put an off switch! And they put it…there." She pointed at the trollbot's nose.

"Suddenly I envy Ron," Harry muttered, before charging forwards. He leaped up on the trollbot's hunched back. The robot roared, and began to try and buck him off. "If I survive this, I'm going to kill Phineas and Ferb!" Harry yelled. Just then, he jerked forwards, then backwards quickly, causing his wand to jab up the trollbot's nose. The robotic troll sprung up, perfectly straight like a vertical board, before falling backwards and trapping Harry under its head.

"I have to admit," Candace snickered as Isabella and Hermione joined her, "A small part of me was hoping that would happen." Just then, as Harry pulled himself from under the giant metal head, a high-pitched screaming came from off screen, and Ron ran by. The four of them quickly joined him, the real troll now chasing all of them. After a bit, they reached the astronomy tower. The entrance was lighted pitch black. The group ran through it, closely followed by the troll. Just then, the light came on, revealing spooky surroundings. The group and the troll ran through the hall as ghostly music began to play, with Phineas' voice singing.

_Come, let's tip-toe into the dark  
One good scare oughta do ya!  
You'll find our bite much worse than our bark!  
One good scare ought to do you some good!_

_If you should find the daily grind _

_A tad bit taxing on the mind; _

_To help unwind if so inclined, _

_I have a small suggestion...  
That if you dare into my lair, _

_You should prepare for quite a scare!  
But "Will you share in this nightmare?" would be my only question._

_If your hair lies lifeless and limp, one good scare oughta do ya!  
Come with me, now, don't be a wimp!  
One little scare ought to do ya some good._

_That is quite right; _

_I would delight _

_In taking flight into the night  
if I may give you such a fright, you know I surely would!  
But if I seem a bit extreme _

_In my attempts to make you scream,  
remember that this spooky scheme will ter...  
...rify you...  
...for good!_

_One little,  
One little,  
One little...  
One little scare oughta do you some good!_

Ferb:(Deep, diabolical laugh)"Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

The troll let out a bloodcurdling scream at Ferb's laugh, and began to sway. Out in the hallway, where no one was watching, someone familiar burrows through the floor.

"Yes," Doofenshmirtz screamed, "I may have had to burrow under the school, and there might now be a hole beneath me stretching two miles, but I am in Hogwarts!" He began to laugh evilly, before the troll fell on top of the hole. Doofenshmirtz's screaming can be heard echoing as he falls down.

"Do you hear something?" Ron asked, frowning, as the group left the astronomy tower. Just then, footsteps could be heard rushing up to them. Professors McGonagall, Snape, and Quirrel had arrived.

"What-but-it-the," McGonagall spluttered, "Explain yourselves, all of you!"

"Er…" All of them but Hermione said.

"It's my fault Professor McGonagall," Hermione lied. The others gaped at her. "I went looking for the troll. I'd read about them and thought I could handle it. But I was wrong. If they hadn't come and found me, I'd probably be dead."

"Be that as it may," McGonagall said, "You could easily have been killed. Five points shall be taken from Gryffindor for your serious lack of judgment. As for you six, I just hope you understand how fortunate you are. Not many first year students could take on a fully grown mountain troll and live to tell the tale. Ten points…to Gryffindor, for sheer dumb luck. With that, the teachers left, leaving the seven of them standing there in silence. After a moment, they all said "Thanks," and hurried off. And from then on, Hermione Granger was their friend.


	9. When in Doubt, Fire a Laser

**I. Do. Not. Own. ANYTHING. Except the computer I'm typing this on.**

After the incident with the troll, Hermione was much kinder to the group, and helped them more often than before. Two days after Halloween, a surprise note for Phineas came in slanting script. The boy's eyes widened as he read the letter.

To Phineas,

I am pleased to inform you that you have been approved to play the position of Gryffindor shooter. It shouldn't need to be said as you are the co-inventor, but you must be responsible with the blaster. The other shooters are Ferb Fletcher of Ravenclaw, Jeremy Johnson of Hufflepuff, and Buford Van Stomm of Slytherin. I hope to see you play in the upcoming match of Gryffindor versus Slytherin. I have enclosed a gift sent from your parents.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

Phineas grinned widely, and opened the enclosed package. Out rolled a broomstick. Ron gasped.

"That's another broom from the Nimbus series! A Nimbus 1500! Not as fast as the Nimbus 2000, but pretty fancy!"

Phineas grinned, "I love my parents! Does anyone have a feeling that since all these good things are happening, something bad is about to happen?" Everyone stared at the screen for a moment, before Harry laughed.

"Nah," he said, "What are the chances of something ELSE bad happening?"

Phineas frowned, "Considering the fact that we're in a fanfiction story, I'd say pretty good."

"Good luck next week Potter," Snape said from behind them, making them jump.

"Don't do that!" Phineas cried, "You're creepy enough as it is!" Snape's nostrils flared, before he turned around and walked away, limping noticeably.

"Hm," Harry said, "Why is he limping? Wait! He probably let the troll in and activated the trollbot, and then tried to get past that three-headed dog, but it bit him!"

Phineas raised an eyebrow, "And your entire premise for that strangely intricate theory is: He's limping? Sure, why not."

A week and eleven minutes later, Phineas and Harry were walking out to the Quidditch Pitch with the rest of the team. Wood, Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell, and Alicia Spinnet, the former being the Keeper and the latter three being the Chasers.

"Alright," Madame Hooch, the referee, said as they all took their starting position. "I want a nice, clean game. From all of you. Game ready to start? Check. Players in position? Check. Musical number ready? Check. Let the game begin!"

_Fly around on your brooms_

_And pass the Quaffle_

_Avoid the Bludgers or you'll turn into a human waffle_

_You'll be victory bound without touching the ground_

_The Golden Snitch and a Nimbus; and Bludgers to kill you_

_Quidditch Y-8_

_Quidditch Y-8_

_You'll look beat up, run through the mill too_

_That bludger's coming at me…Oh Merlin!_

_It's the lions versus the serpents!_

_Quidditch Y-8_

_Quidditch Y-8_

_Quidditch Y-8_

_Quidditch Y-8_

_Yeah!_

_Yeah!_

_Yeah!_

_Quidditch Y-8_

"And it's 60/40 Slytherin!" the commentator, Lee Jordan, who was a friend of the Weasley twins, screamed as the musical number ended. Phineas grinned, shooting a Bludger. It paused in midair, before it shot forward again, hitting one of the Slytherin Chasers directly in the chest. Harry, meanwhile, was searching for the Snitch. Then, he saw it, hovering by one of the Gryffindor goal posts. He shot towards it, but just as he was near it…WHAM! The crowd roared in outrage. Flint, the Slytherin captain, had rammed Harry from the side, and in the confusion, the Snitch had escaped. Suddenly, Harry's broom gave a jerking movement. Then again. And again. And suddenly, Harry's broom was rising higher and higher, jerking around, corkscrewing, and flipping. It was a wonder that Harry could even stay on his broom.

"Wha's goin on with 'Arry's broom?" Hagrid asked from the stands, "I' looks like it's been tampered with, bu' no one coulda done tha', they would need dark magic."

"Look at Phineas," Isabella gasped.

"Yeah," Ron snapped, "We get it. You have an obsessive crush on Phineas, but this is serious…"

"No," Isabella said impatiently, "Look!" They looked, and saw that Phineas was now flying near Harry. Even from where they were they could faintly hear what they were saying.

"What are you doing?" Phineas asked.

"I'm not doing anything!" Harry yelled back.

Phineas looked surprised for a moment, before he flew towards the nearest spectators: The Teachers. He began to circle above them. Only through binoculars could people see that his eyes were flickering through the crowd, before they stopped, evidently finding what he was looking for. He shot downwards like a bullet, before pulling up. He turned a knob on the side of his laser, and squeezed the trigger. An enormous red sphere erupted from the end of his laser, and struck the support structure for the teachers' bleachers. Ha-ha. Teachers' bleachers. That rhymes. The stands shook with the force of a bomb, and many of the staff fell from their seats. Suddenly, in midair, Harry's broomstick stopped trying to buck him off. Meanwhile, Madame Hooch's whistle blew. She landed next to Phineas, and began to berate him. Then she blew her whistle again.

"Fifty points for Slytherin for infraction of the rules," Lee muttered grumpily. Harry began to fly again, before he gagged, and landed. Looking as though he was going to be sick, he spat something into his hands. Then he held up the Golden Snitch triumphantly. The cheering was deafening.

"Am I the only one who finds that gross?" Candace, asked, but got no answer.

Later, long after the post-match celebrations were over, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, and Candace were down at Hagrid's Hut, which, despite its large size, was rather crowded.

"Oh, hey Phineas," Harry said, suddenly remembering something. "Why did you try to blow up the teachers?"

"I wasn't trying to blow them up," Phineas explained. "I did exactly what I meant to. When the teachers' stands shook, many teachers fell out of their seats. When they fell out of their seats, your broom started working again. Don't you find that the least bit odd? When I looked down into the stands, I saw Snape, muttering under his breath and looking directly at you. It makes sense doesn't it? That he would try and kill you?"

"Why does that make sense?" Ron asked. Phineas just cast him a withering glance.

"Seriously?"

"Oh," Ron said, comprehension dawning on his face, "Oh, right."

"Nonsense," Hagrid growled, "Why would Snape put a curse on Harry's broomstick?"

"Who knows?" Harry shot back, "Why was he trying to get past that three-headed dog on Halloween?"

"Who told you about Fluffy?" Hagrid asked, shocked. Everyone else in the hut choked on their waters.

"Fluffy," Ron coughed, "That thing has a NAME?"

But he got no answer, as Hagrid shoved them out the door and slammed it. Then he opened it again.

"Why that dog's there is a matter between Albus Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel." He closed the door again, before opening it again.

"There is no Nicholas Flamel. Now don't go near the third floor, or Fluffy will get you." He closed the door once more, before opening it yet again.

"There is no Fluffy." And he closed his door and locked it.


	10. The Mirror of Pencils

**I'm SO sorry for not updating this for so long, I had the worst case of writer's block. Hopefully, I don't ever take this long again. I OWN NOTHING!**

One month later, Phineas, Harry, and Ron are sleeping fitfully in the boys' dormitory. Suddenly, and completely by coincidence, they all sit up at the same time, and start running to the common room, Christmas music playing in the background. They begin to open their presents.

_Christmas morning_  
_So much fun!_  
_Down the stairs the children run._

_Someone has eaten the cookies,_  
_And look what's left under the tree._  
_There's presents for you and for me._  
_As far as the eye can see_

_What's on the rooftop? I wonder what that was_  
_It's reindeer flying_  
_Around the world_  
_Because Santa's coming_  
_I think we all should pause to say that we're grateful_  
_For everything he does!_  
_Thank you Santa Claus_  
_Thank you Santa Claus_  
_Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-a_

_A song for all the things you do,_  
_Santa Claus we're thanking you_  
_A song for all the things you do,_  
_Santa Claus we're thanking you, (Reindeer flyin')_  
_A song for all the things you do, (Joy to the world!)_  
_Santa Claus we're thanking you (Reindeer flyin')_  
_A song for all the things you do, (Joy to the world)_  
_Santa Claus we're thanking you (Reindeer flyin')_  
_(Thank you Santa Claus)_

They laughed happily, before hearing a moan of sadness. Candace had been sitting in an armchair, completely unnoticed. She was slouching in the chair, and looking dejected.

"Okay," Phineas said, "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're upset about something."

"I never get to talk to Jeremy anymore," Candace moaned, "Since he's in a different house and all."

"Um," Ron said, "You're allowed to hang out with people from other houses you know."

"Really?!" Candace asked excitedly, sitting up.

"Yeah," Harry said, laughing as though he wasn't sure she was kidding or not. "Ferb spends almost all his time with us."

"Ferb is in a different house?!" Candace asked, looking even more shocked. She blinked and raised an eyebrow when they stared at her, bewildered. "He hangs out with us so much, I just assumed."

"Yeah," Phineas said, "He's in Ravenclaw. Still have no clue why the Sorting Hat put me in Gryffindor, but I'm not complaining."

"This is great!" Candace exclaimed. "I'm gonna go talk to Jeremy, right now!" She ran out of the common room, leaving a comical Candace-shaped cloud where she had been sitting.

"Is she always like this?" Harry asked, concerned.

"Yeah," Phineas asked, as though he was asked this often. Suddenly, the sound of bells jingling could be heard, a light began to glow from above their heads, and Santa in his sleigh touched down in front of the group.

"Ho, ho, ho," Santa chuckled.

"Santa!" Phineas cried excitedly. "The real one this time!"

"Wait," Ron said, "How did he get in here? There's, like, a ceiling!"

"I come with gifts," Santa announced.

"Cool!" Harry said excitedly. "My first gift from Santa!"

"What?" Phineas asked, concerned, before Santa handed him a small, rectangular package.

"A book?" Phineas asked, tearing the wrapping off of it. He shrugged, grinning, before opening it. He blinked.

"It's blank," he said. "Is it a diary or something?"

"Can't be," Harry said. "No diaries until book two." Phineas shrugged, and pocketed the book.

"That book belonged to your father," Santa said.

"Dad?" Phineas asked. "Is it antique, or something?"

"No," Santa said. "Not your stepfather. This book belonged to your biological father." Phineas gasped, looking at the book with more reverence than before. "I am sure you will learn how to work it soon enough," Santa said, a twinkle in his eye. "And now for you, Ferb." Phineas blinked, looked around, and then jumped when he saw Ferb was sitting next to him.

"How did you do that?" Phineas asked, stunned and a little scared.

"I've been here the whole time," Ferb said with a shrug.

"Alright," Santa said, "Much like Phineas' gift belonged to his biological father; this belonged to your biological mother. She was…not a very nice woman." He handed Ferb a pair of gloves. They were fingerless, with green and black patterns on them. "These," Santa said with a smile, "Allow you to channel magic through them using only brain function. No incantations required. Not only that, but while underage wizards aren't allowed to use magic outside of school, the Ministry of Magic can't detect activity from those gloves."

"Sounds…" Ron paused, trying to think of the right word, "…illegal."

"Didn't I already say Ferb's mother wasn't a very nice person?" Santa asked. "She's in jail now. Azkaban, to be precise."

"Azkaban?" Harry asked.

"The prison for warlocks," Ron answered.

"And now for you, Harry," Santa said, "This belonged to your father."

"How many family heirlooms do you just happen to have by complete coincidence?" Phineas asked, but Santa handed Harry his gift and didn't answer. Harry tore the wrapping off, and a silvery cloth fell to the floor. Ron gasped.

"I know what that is!" he exclaimed, looking somewhat awed. "But they're really rare. Try it on!" Harry blinked, bewildered, before putting on what was now realized to be a cloak. They all gasped. Harry's body had vanished where the cloak was, and his head appeared to be floating in midair.

"Wait," Phineas said, "Is his body invisible, or has it been transported to another dimension or something?"

"It's an invisibility cloak!" Ron cried, excited.

"Aww," Phineas said, looking uncharacteristically disappointed. "Ferb gets super-gloves, Harry gets an invisibility cloak, and I get a book that doesn't even have any writing in it?"

"Try being the only one who doesn't get something," Ron muttered.

"Well," Santa said, "It looks like my work here is done. Santa Claus is out, peace!" And he got into his sleigh, snapped the reins once, and he was gone.

"Ooh!" Phineas said excitedly, "Maybe you could use that cloak to search the Restricted Section in the library for Nicholas Flamel, like Hermione said!"

"Yeah," Harry said, "That will be good. But I have to wait until nighttime."

"Why?" Phineas asked, confused.

"Because if it isn't nighttime," Harry explained, "I would only be breaking one school rule, and not two."

"Oh," Phineas said, "Right." Later, when it finally was nighttime, Harry slid out of bed, put on the Invisibility Cloak, and made his way to the Restricted Section alone. Finally, he reached the library, and pulled a book off one of the shelves in the Restricted Section. The moment he opened it, however, there was an unearthly scream that seemed to emanate from the book. To Harry's horror, he heard footsteps approaching.

* * *

Back in the Gryffindor dormitory, Phineas' eyes flickered. In the distance, the book's wails could be heard. He sat up, before a strange feeling overtook him. He grabbed the blank book that had once belonged to his father, and opened it. It was still blank as ever. But words echoed in his mind, and he was sure it was the book that put them there. He pulled out his wand, and, sure that this would make the book reveal its secrets, tapped it and murmured the words in his head. He watched in amazement as the book began to glow, and when it died down, he stared in awe at what was there now.

* * *

Doofenshmirtz groaned as he pulled himself out of a hole in the ground, into his evil cave hideout. He is bruised and battered from his encounter with the troll, and he is rubbing his forehead from exhaustion. He looked up, and groaned when he saw what was waiting for him.

"Perry the platypus," Doof sighed. "I'm not up to anything evil right now-" He walked over towards his desk, which had a few inventions on it. Agent P chattered, not buying it. "Well…" Doof said, smirking, though his nemesis couldn't see it. "If you insist…TAKE THAT!" He grabbed two of the inventions from the table, and blasted Agent P. When the smoke cleared, Perry was wearing a ball gown, and he was sporting a handlebar mustache.

'So THAT'S what Monogram was talking about before.' Agent P remembered. But he managed to tear through the gown, and kick Doof in the face. The evil scientist staggered, and he, along with his inventions, fell down into the hole he had pulled himself out of moments earlier. Agent P jumped into his flying car and flew away, smiling slightly as he heard Doof's scream.

"CURSE YOU PERRY THE MUSTACHED PLATYPUS!" Doof groaned, getting to his feet. "How is it that Perry the Platypus manages to defeat me every time?" he asked bitterly, kicking the wall. Suddenly, the soil crumbled away, revealing a side path.

"Woah," Doof gasped. "What an amazing coincidence. I mean seriously, what are the chances that there was a side path built a long time ago, miraculously ending right where my path would one day be, and the path just happened to be exactly where I kicked the wall."

"**JUST GO WITH IT, DOOF.**" A booming voice rang out.

"WOAH!" Doof gasped. "Who are you?"

"**I'M THE AUTHOR, WHO ELSE?**" the voice said. "**JUST GO THROUGH THE DOOR.**"

"Okay?" Doof said, a little tentatively, as he began to walk down the side path.

* * *

Harry, panting for breath, forgot he was invisible, and ran from the library. He didn't stop until he was far from the distant voices, and hid behind a suit of armor. Barely a second had passed, before a voice spoke.

"Hey Harry." The Boy Who Lived gasped, and whirled around, only to come face to face with a grinning Phineas.

"How can you see me?" Harry asked, pulling down the hood of the cloak.

"You have your secrets, I have mine." Phineas said, smiling mysteriously. It was only then that Harry noticed that Phineas was holding The Book, and there was writing in it. Phineas noticed him looking, smiled, and snapped the book shut, before letting it fall open again. To Harry's great disappointment, he saw that the book was once again blank. Suddenly, they heard footsteps. Harry looked around for a place to hide, but Phineas simply said, "This way!"

He stepped over to the wall, and touched it. To Harry's shocked, the wall melted away, revealing an abandoned classroom. The two of them quickly stepped inside, and the wall reformed behind them.

As they caught their breath, they looked around the room. There was almost nothing extraordinary about the room, except for a shining mirror that stood near the far wall. For some reason, Harry found himself entranced by this mirror. As he took a step towards it, Phineas put a hand on his shoulder.

"Maybe we shouldn't," Phineas said doubtfully, but Harry shook off his hand, and walked over to the mirror. When he looked into it, he gasped and looked around at the room.

"What?" Phineas asked, alarmed, looking around the room. "Is someone here? I didn't see anyone on the ma-MATTRESS! In…the…dormitory?" He said, smiling sheepishly at Harry's look of suspicion.

"No," Harry said. "There's no one there. I think…"

"Think?" Phineas asked.

"I see someone in the mirror," Harry explained.

"Yeah," Phineas said. "A mirror reflects-"

"I know!" Harry snapped. "I see OTHER people."

"Oh," Phineas said. "That's not creepy at all. What do they look like?"

"There's a man who's skinny and has black hair," Harry described. "And a woman, with red hair and green eyes."

"Huh," Phineas said. "Do you think it's a coincidence that that's exactly how people always describe your parents? Who are dead?"

"Of course it isn't a coincidence," a voice said. The boys whirled around, and found themselves looking at Professor Dumbledore, who had been sitting in the corner, quietly eating lemon drops the whole time.

"P-Professor Dumbledore?" Harry asked.

"Ah!" Phineas yelped. "Um, I know we're breaking the rules…but it would really stink to be expelled on Christmas, so could you pretend you didn't see us?"

"Actually," Dumbledore said with a smile. "It's 12:01 AM, December 26th."

"Darn." Phineas said, before glaring at Harry. "Yeah, let's wait until nighttime, that's a good idea!"

"But," Dumbledore said. "I'm not going to expel you."

"Oh." Phineas said, looking embarrassed.

"Harry," Dumbledore said, turning his attention to the Boy-Who-Lived. "You, like many before you, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised."

"The Mirror of Erased?" Phineas asked. "What does it do, get rid of pencil marks?"

Dumbledore chuckled. "No. The Mirror of Erised shows he who looks into it the deepest, and most desperate desire of our hearts."

Harry blinked. "So…" he said slowly. "I see my parents because-"

"Because seeing your parents is what you crave more than anything." Dumbledore confirmed.

"I'm just gonna go." Phineas said. "This is a little too serious for me." He quickly left the room.

"Just know Harry," Dumbledore warned. "This mirror shows neither knowledge, nor truth. It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live. Now go. This mirror will be moved to a new home tomorrow. Do not search for it again." Harry nodded in understanding. Just before he left, he turned to look at Dumbledore.

"Sir?" he asked. "What do you see when you look in the mirror?"

"I?" Dumbledore said. "I see myself holding a pair of socks."

"Um, what?"

"I could never have too many socks." Dumbledore said, frowning. "But did my father ever give them to me? No, he gave me a motorized dirtbike! What twelve year old boy wants a motorized dirtbike?" (**The ****Big Bang Theory reference. I don't own The Big Bang Theory.)**

"All of them, sir." Harry said cheerfully, before leaving. It wasn't until he fell asleep that he realized that Dumbledore's answer might not have been quite truthful.


	11. The Snake and the Stutterer

**I own nothing. I have plausible deniability.**

"Unbelievable," Hermione said, pacing around the Gryffindor common room. She had just returned to Hogwarts after staying at her parents' house over Christmas, and she had just been filled in on the events that had transpired since she left. Phineas, Candace, Harry, Ron, and Isabella were all sitting down in the armchairs as she paced, unsure whether they were being chewed out or not. "So you're telling me," she continued, "that not only did you sneak out at night under an invisibility cloak, breaking about a dozen school rules-"

"Two school rules!" Phineas protested.

"Fine!" she snapped. "Two school rules! But you didn't even find out who Flamel was?"

"We tried as best we could Hermione," Ron said.

"Yeah," Isabella pointed out. "We all checked the library, they looked in the restricted section, we've been trying to sweet talk Hagrid into telling us all week, and even Baljeet's seemingly endless store of useless facts couldn't help us."

"Exactly!" Harry said. "It's as though he doesn't exist, even though I know I've read his name somewhere." Just then, the portrait hole swung open, and in came Neville. Or, in hopped Neville. His legs seemed to be glued together. Hermione quickly pointed her wand at Neville, murmured a few words under her breath, and his legs separated. Neville then breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thanks," he panted. "I hopped all the way from the fourth floor."

"Why?" Candace asked, confused.

"Malfoy," Neville said with a grimace. "He said he's wanted to test that out all week. He also said I'm not brave enough to be in Gryffindor."

"Well, don't let him get to you Neville." Phineas said.

"Yeah," Harry said. "You're worth ten of him. Here, have a chocolate frog." Neville took the candy, smiling, and ate it quickly.

"Thanks." He said with a smile. "You want the card?"

"Nah," Harry said. "It's Dumbledore, I already have him."

"I'll take it," Phineas said with a smile, and took the card. A moment later, he gasped.

"What?" Candace asked, looking around.

"Listen!" Phineas said with a grin. "Considered by, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and his work on alchemy with his partner Nicholas Flamel!" At this, Hermione gasped, and sprinted up to the girls' dormitory.

"Now where is she going?" Ron asked frowning. A moment later, Hermione returned, carrying an enormous book, and dropping it onto the table.

"I would never have thought to look in here." She said, grinning, before turning to a certain page. "Here it is!" she exclaimed. "Nicholas Flamel is the only known maker of the Sorcerer's Stone!"

"The what?" Harry, Ron, Candace, and Isabella all asked. Phineas's eyes widened in shock though, apparently understanding.

"Honestly, don't you all read?" Hermione sighed in exasperation. "The Sorcerer's Stone has the power to turn any metal into pure gold, and can produce an elixir that will make the drinker immortal!"

"Immortal?" Ron asked.

"It means you'll never die," Hermione explained.

"I know what it means!" Ron snapped indignantly, before murmuring the word "Now…" under his breath.

"So no wonder Snape's after it!" Harry said in awe. "Anyone would want it!"

"We have no evidence that Snape is after the Stone other than the elaborate theory you came up with that has no basis other than a limp." Phineas pointed out.

"Oh, come on Phineas," Ron complained. "It was YOU who saw him trying to kill Harry at the Quidditch match!"

"That doesn't prove he's trying to steal the Stone!" Phineas protested. "It just means he has an apparent lack of impulse control." Ron scoffed.

"Speaking of Snape and Quidditch," Harry said. "Oliver's just told us that Snape's refereeing the next Quidditch match."

"WHAT?!" Those who hadn't been there for the announcement exclaimed.

"I know, right!" Harry complained. "He's gonna try and kill me again!"

"I doubt it," Ferb said, causing those around him to jump, and then subsequently wonder when he had arrived and how he had gotten into the common room. "I mean," he said, misinterpreting the questioning looks he was receiving, "He already tried to kill you once, but the people who witnessed it just assumed there was something wrong with the broomstick's inner workings, and that you replaced the broomstick in question after the match. If something happens again, they will certainly believe there has been some external tampering." Harry blinked, digesting this, before sighing in relief.

* * *

Two weeks later, the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw Quidditch teams were walking onto the Quidditch Pitch. Snape was in a foul mood as usual, and even Dumbledore had arrived to watch, something that put Harry at ease even more than Ferb's reassurance.

"Alright," Snape said. "Clean game, blah, blah, blah, GO!" And the balls were released, and the game began. Harry's eyes darted around for the snitch, but he was momentarily distracted by one of the Gryffindor chasers scoring through two rings. Meanwhile, in the stands…

Ron, Hermione, Ferb, Candace, and Isabella sat, watching closely as Snape awarded Hufflepuff a penalty for no reason whatsoever. At that moment, Malfoy came up behind them and poked Ron, hard, in the back of the head.

"Oh, sorry Weasley," he sneered. "I didn't see you there." He smirked. "I wonder how long Potter's gonna stay on his broom this time. You think maybe five, ten minutes?" At his words, Ron angrily opened his mouth to speak, but Ferb beat him to it. Ferb held up a gloved hand, and snapped his fingers.

Crabbe and Goyle, who had been standing behind Malfoy, suddenly headbutted each other, which caused both of them to fall to the ground, unconscious. Malfoy was then lifted into the air, looking somewhat panicked. Ferb turned around, looked at Malfoy, and smiled brightly, before jerking his hand forward, causing Malfoy to lurch in the same direction…and bounce down the stairs. The others looked at Ferb in amazement.

"Yep," Ferb said with a grin, looking at his new gloves. "I'm definitely keeping these." At that moment, Harry suddenly went into a sharp dive, and, when he pulled up just before reaching the ground, he had a tiny golden object clasped in his hand.

It had to be a record. No one had ever remembered the Snitch being caught in such a short amount of time. While the Gryffindors were celebrating in their common room, the Hufflepuffs and Slytherins were sulking at the outcome of the match. Meanwhile, while Harry was practicing his flying just after Quidditch practice…

"Where's he going?" Harry thought, seeing a figure strolling out of the school towards the forest. There was no mistaking Snape's prowling walk. So, naturally, Harry followed him. After a small while, Snape came to a clearing in the forest. But there was someone else already there. Harry perched on a tree branch, and listened intently.

"... d-don't know why you wanted t-t-to meet here of all p-places, Severus..." Quirrel stuttered.

"I thought we'd keep this private," Snape said quietly. "Students aren't supposed to know about the Sorcerer's Stone, after all." Quirrel mumbled something under his breath. "Have you found out how to get past Hagrid's little mutt yet?" Snape interrupted.

"B-b-but Severus, I-"

"You don't want me as your enemy, Quirrel." Snape said, interrupting again.

"I-I don't know what you-"

"You know perfectly well what I mean." Snape said. Just then, an owl hooted loudly, and drowned out several of Snape's words. "-your little bit of hocus pocus. I'm waiting."

"B-but I d-d-don't-"

"We'll have another little chat soon," Snape said coldly. "When you've had time to think things over, and have decided where your loyalties lie." And with that, Snape left the clearing.

**A/N: Yeah, this chapter took longer than I thought it would. Sorry about that. I'll try to get the next chapter up within a week. So, yeah, please review.**


	12. I Hereby Dub Thee, Norbert

**Oh my god. I am SO scared to post this right now. Last time I updated, I said I would have the next chapter up in a week, and now it's been a month and a half. All I can say is I've had some computer problems, and while these problems didn't prevent me from writing, they made it a pain in the butt. I finally just decided to just deal with it. On another note, in this chapter, it rapidly jumps between the subplots, because I decided to try something new. I don't THINK it's too confusing, but I can't judge too accurately because I wrote it, so...if it's confusing, let me know, and I'll know not to do that from now on.**

**Again, I'm SO sorry I took so long to do this, and I hope this chapter makes up for the wait.**

**I don't own anything.**

"So we were right," Ron said immediately after Harry had told the gang the story in the great hall. "Snape is creepy."

"No!" Harry said impatiently. "Well, yes, but no! We know that the dog is trying to guard the Sorcerer's Stone, and that Snape is trying to steal it!"

"Oh," Ron said, embarrassed, before realizing something. "OH! Ha, we were right! Take that Phineas, Snape IS trying to steal the Stone!" Phineas met Ron's gaze stubbornly for a few moments, before sighing and looking away.

"It DOES look suspicious." Phineas admitted, defeated. "But what are we going to do about it?"

The group looked at Hermione. "What?" she asked.

"Um," Harry said. "In case you didn't notice, you're pretty much the smart one." He then looked at Phineas and Ferb. "No offense."

"None taken." Phineas said with a smile.

"Well, actually, I-" Ferb began, before Hermione interrupted him.

"Well," she said, thinking. "Remember what Snape said to Quirrel about 'his little bit of hocus pocus'? That makes it sound as though Quirrel also put of some spells up to guard the Stone as well. Who knows what other defenses there might be?"

"Probably a lot," Harry mused. "Hagrid told me that Gringotts is the second most secure place to hide something, behind Hogwarts. I mean, the Stone was kept in a secure vault, that if anyone tried to break into, they would be sucked in and imprisoned inside it for ten years!" The others look fearful, but Candace burst out laughing, and they stared at her.

"Someone has a warped sense of humor." Ron murmured.

"No!" Candace said through her laughter. "That's not it. It would be horrifying…if inside the vault wasn't, oh, I don't know…a stone that makes you immortal?" The others took a moment to digest this.

"…You're right," Phineas said. "That IS stupid. I would never survive the boredom, though."

"We have to talk to Hagrid about this," Harry decided.

"What, boring but not fatal punishments?" Isabella asked.

"No, about the…NO!" Harry said. "About the Stone! If there are other things guarding it, we have to find out about it!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Owlery…

Perry snuck in, in his mindless pet form, before standing up and putting on his fedora. Agent P walked over to one of the owls, who gave him a salute, before stepping aside and allowing Perry to speak to Major Monogram.

"Hello Agent P," Monogram growled. "Good work on your assignment at Christmas. Unfortunately, it has created a whole new set of problems. It seems that Doofenshmirtz has located a hidden tunnel system underneath Hogwarts. And, unfortunately, the path he is taking seems to be directly leading to the hiding place of the Sorcerer's Stone. We cannot allow Doofenshmirtz to get that stone. Find him, and get him out of those tunnels!" Perry saluted, and flew off on his jetpack. The owl stared down at Major Monogram. "Do you have something to say Agent O?"

At that moment, Agent O yakked up an owl pellet all over the egg's screen, obscuring Monogram's face.

"Note to self," the major muttered. "Fire the owl."

Perry flew his jetpack over to the evil caved that until recently, Doofenshmirtz had resided in. Quickly abandoning the jetpack, knowing he wouldn't need it anymore, Perry leapt into the hole, and followed the path, pursuing Doofenshmirtz.

* * *

That night, Phineas, Ferb, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Candace, and Isabella were preparing to go down to Hagrid's Hut.

"How are we gonna get there?" Harry asked.

"Your father's cloak," Ron pointed out.

"It won't cover all seven of us!" Harry protested.

"Don't worry," Phineas said, smirking and fingering the seemingly blank book he had gotten from Santa. "I have a plan."

* * *

Perry, running down the tunnel, finally spotted Doofenshmirtz walking up ahead. The platypus agent narrowed his eyes, before increasing to a sprint, and tackling his nemesis to the ground.

"Perry the platypus?" Doofenshmirtz asked. "How unexpected. And by unexpected I mean completely… unexpected. What are you doing here?"

* * *

The gang arrived outside Hagrid's hut. They hadn't even needed the cloak; Phineas had expertly guided them away from trouble using his book. He still refused to tell anyone what it said except Ferb, who, shockingly enough, was very good with secrets. The best that the rest of them could figure, it was a kind of homing device for danger. Harry knocked on the door.

"I'm not doing anything evil!" Doofenshmirtz said defensively, looking nervous as Perry narrowed his eyes in disbelief. "I'm just following this serendipitous tunnel here! I've said it once; I've said it a thousand times: just because I'M evil doesn't mean everything I DO is evil!"

* * *

"Oh, 'ello," Hagrid said, as he opened the door, before frowning, looking at the seven of them, and then looking up at the school. "Wow, Filch is more incompeten' than ME, and I blabbered to ya abou' Nicolas Flamel…" he muttered.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Doofenshmirtz asked Perry. "Why are you looking at me like you know something I don't?"

* * *

"Sorry folks," Hagrid said. "But I'm in no fit state ter entertain today." He made to close the door.

"We know about the Sorcerer's Stone." The gang deadpanned in unison.

Hagrid opened the door again. "Oh." He gestured for them to come inside, and they did so.

* * *

"I don't like the way you're looking at me, Perry the platypus." Doofenshmirtz said with a scowl. "I think I'll just be on my way…" Perry, finally fed up, leapt forward and punched Doofenshmirtz in the face.

"Snape?" Hagrid asked, disgruntled, when the group had finished explaining. "Yer no' still on abou' him are yah? Listen, Snape's one o' the teachers protectin' the Stone. He's not about ter steal it."

"One of the teachers?!" Harry exclaimed.

"Harry, we've been through this already," Isabella said. "We already know Quirrel is helping to protect it; did you think he and Hagrid were the only ones?"

* * *

Perry pinned Doofenshmirtz to the wall, continuing to punch him.

"Surely you could tell us which teachers were protecting the Stone," Hermione said to Hagrid. "I mean, you know so much, Dumbledore must REALLY trust you."

"That's sneaky, scheming, underhanded, and manipulative," Candace muttered. "…I like her style."

"Well, I suppose it couldn' hurt ta tell you tha'…"

* * *

"Why are you doing this?" Doofenshmirtz whined as Perry hit him again. "I'm not even doing anything…"

"Hagrid," Ron said suddenly. "What's that?" He was pointing to a large egg that was sitting in Hagrid's fireplace.

"Uh." Was all Hagrid could say, but Ron didn't seem to need an answer.

"I've seen that before!" Ron exclaimed. "My brother Charlie studies them in Romania! But Hagrid, where did you get one?"

"Bough' it off a stranger I met a' a pub." Hagrid said proudly. "Won 'im in a game o' cards. The guy seemed glad ter be rid o' it, smatter o' fact…"

Perry chattered in response to Doofenshmirtz's question.

"That doesn't help," Doofenshmirtz said, annoyed. "You know, you don't share much. I know nothing about your social life…"

* * *

The egg began to shake and crack.

"It's hatchin'!" Hagrid exclaimed delightedly.

* * *

Perry punched Doofenshmirtz in the face.

The egg shattered, and out tumbled a tiny baby dragon.

"A dragon?!" Isabella exclaimed, horrified. "Aren't those illegal?!"

"That's not just a dragon, it's a Norwegian Ridgeback!" Ron exclaimed. "They're really rare, so that means they're EXTRA illegal!"

* * *

Perry kicked Doofenshmirtz in the stomach.

* * *

"Extra illegal?" Phineas questioned. "How can there be varying definitions of illegal? If it's against the law it's against the law."

Ron shrugged. "It's kinda illegal to steal a candy bar, it's VERY illegal to drop a giant candy bar on Tokyo."

Phineas shrugged too. "Fair enough."

"Welcome ta the world Norbert!" Hagrid said, smiling down at the dragon.

* * *

Perry whacked Doofenshmirtz with his tail.

* * *

"Norbert?!" Harry asked Hagrid.

"Well, 'e's got ter have a name, now don' e'?" Hagrid said, smiling.

"Hagrid," Ferb said, looking perfectly calm about this whole ordeal. "That isn't…a 'he'…"

"Norbert's a girl?!" Hagrid asked, shocked. "How do you know?"

"Do you want an honest answer?" Ferb asked dryly.

* * *

Perry poked Doofenshmirtz in the eye with his bill.

* * *

"Ooh, an illegal dragon?!" Candace exclaimed turning and sprinting out of the hut, towards the castle. "YOU ARE _SO_ BUSTED! PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL!"

"Did she really just…?" Harry asked, shocked.

"Yep," Isabella answered.

"How are we going to talk our way out of this one?!" Hermione asked, panicked.

"All we CAN do is close our eyes and hope for a miracle." Ron said hopelessly.

"You'd be surprised how often that works." Phineas commented.

* * *

Perry gave Doofenshmirtz such a huge uppercut that the evil scientist was lifted off his feet, hit the ceiling of the cave, and went right through it. Doof's head smashed through the floor into Hagrid's hut, where everyone was running around, panicking and flailing their arms. No one noticed the evil scientist's head poking through the floor. Perry's head popped up too, as the secret agent wanted to see what was going on.

"OH! I remember this!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed excitedly. "This is where they get busted for smuggling an illegal dragon! But…I don't remember those three." He said the last part while looking at Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella.

Perry's eyes widened in recognition. Thinking quickly, he snatched Norbert and dropped back down through the hole, dragging Doofenshmirtz with him before anyone could notice them.

"Hey!" Ron noticed. "Norbert's gone!" They stopped panicking. Unfortunately, they didn't have time to hide as Candace dragged McGonagall through the door to the hut.

"See!" Candace said, pointing to the spot where Norbert had been, before noticing the dragon was gone. "But…but…but…" BUT…McGonagall had something else on her mind.

"You all!" she snapped. "What are you doing out of bed?!"

"Uh…" Harry said.

"We were…" Phineas began, searching for some excuse. "Looking after Hagrid! Yeah…he's sick! Too sick even to go up to the hospital wing." Hagrid gave a fake cough of agreement.

"Really?" McGonagall asked, skeptically.

"Yeah," Phineas nodded. "Take his temperature if you don't believe me." McGonagall's eyes narrowed. She conjured a thermometer and gave it to Hagrid, taking his temperature. When she checked it, her eyes went wide. "106.2?! Oh my god, Hagrid, you really ARE sick." She frowned, turning to the gang. "However, while your intentions may have been honorable, I'm afraid I will still have to punish you. "Ten points will be taken each, and you will all receive detention." She turned and left the hut.

"How did you do that Phineas?!" Isabella exclaimed the moment the door to the hut shut. "How did you get Hagrid's temperature to go up?"

"I didn't," Phineas said smiling. "Hagrid's half-giant, so his average temperature is higher than ours. I'm just glad McGonagall didn't know that…or that Hagrid's half-giant…or both." His brow furrowed when he realized just how much trouble they could have gotten into. The gang, plus Candace, who still looked flabbergasted, followed McGonagall outside the hut. Just as they got ready to follow McGonagall, who was already halfway up to the castle, they heard a small chuckle from nearby. Draco Malfoy stepped out of the shadows.

"You're in for it now," he said, clearly having spied on the whole ordeal. "That dragon…I'll tell McGonagall exactly what happened."

Just as Ron was about to retort, Ferb took a deep breath. "Professor McGonagall!" he called, getting the teacher's attention. "Malfoy's out of bed too, look!" McGonagall saw Malfoy standing there, looking like a deer in the headlights.

"Malfoy!" McGonagall yelled. "You, out of bed too? Ten points from Slytherin, and a detention!" Malfoy mouthed, wordlessly, before turning to the gang, glaring, making a throat-slitting motion, and trudging after McGonagall up to the castle.

* * *

Perry and Doofenshmirtz fell back down into the tunnel, Perry now clutching Norbert.

"Why did you grab the dragon, Perry the platypus?" Doofenshmirtz asked, clearly disappointed. "I wanted to see those kids get in trouble!" Perry chattered, annoyed, placing Norbert in a small groove in the wall. The dragon disappeared in a flash of light. Perry blinked, shocked. "Did you see that too, or was it just me?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

Norbert appeared in the middle of the Owlery, right in front of the now clean egg showing Major Monogram's face.

"Excellent!" the major exclaimed. "A new recruit! Agent O, you're fired. Agent N is in charge of this Owlery now!" A claw descended from the ceiling, grabbed the hat from Agent O's head, and placed it on Norber…um, Agent N.

_(Jingle) A-Gent N!_

* * *

Far away from Hogwarts, in a large manor house…

A pale, thin man with long blond hair drummed his fingers on the armrest of his chair as he read the latest letter from his son. It contained a long story, but the man was only focused on one part: what his son described as, '_The Flynn-Fletchers' weird beaver duck thing wearing a Muggle hat that was considered stylish in the 1940s'._ The man's eyes narrowed.

"So the O.W.C.A. has stationed another agent at Hogwarts." Lucius Malfoy mused. "How fortuitous."

**So...yeah...that happened. Please read and review, and all that!**


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